On Sunday I went to two church services--the first to be supportive of a friend who was speaking and the second was my actual church that I attend. I went with a couple friends, and in between the services we grabbed coffee at a caribou near where my community gathers. I sat at a table watching others reading their papers, scribbling away on laptops and sipping lattes that cost far too much. We talked about our weekends, and then it turned into something like a little confessional for me. The best, most awkward part, was that the guy in our group of three has only hung out with me once or twice before this. But Ingrid was asking questions and I just didn't feel like holding back any more about my struggles. So Grahm would just have to deal with it, judge me or get over it. Because I'm human, and I'm not perfect, and I'm done hiding. I don't remember what Ingrid said that drew out the realization in me that I have had a hard time not living a reactionary life. See, for those of you who don't know, my parents have been in some kind of christian ministry their entire lives. I have grown up in the church, I've grown up being a theology nerd, a goody-too-shoes, the perfect child with her life in order and the Jesus thing in the bag.
And then I went to college. In Seattle. And I've come back and I don't fit with my family as well anymore, and I don't want the things of my parents in quite the same way. And I have this bizarre thing about being radical--usually in the sense of giving away my stuff or always being available to absolutely everyone, even at 2am and i have work the next day. Some of that comes from genuinely wanting to help people. But some of it comes from a rather different motivation. Grahm, who I thought was entirely ignoring most of the conversation, finally looked across the table at me with those bright eyes behind his oval glasses and explained me to myself: "well, you grew up all conservative, like me. And then you move away, and you see a whole different side of life: one that you weren't exposed to except to see the problems in it. And when you see some good in it, you swing towards it and away from your upbringing." He gestured with the hand not holding the vanilla latte, "so I was really conservative and I went really far to the left, and now I'm coming back, to settle in the middle." He smirked and took a sip of his drink before looking away to observe the other customers, aloof like he had been the rest of hte conversation. But just before he removed from our conversation, he said out of the side of his mouth, with that infuriatingly knowing smirk: "don't worry. you'll come back too."
Which is true. I mean, I'm much more middle of the road than when I first returned to colorado from Seattle. I won't ever be entirely the same, but I'm more centered than I used to be. But what of those who aren't like Grahm and I? What of those who don't come back from the left (and I dont' mean politically). I knew plenty of kids in college who went off the deep end with their first taste of freedom. How do we create a place where children can grow and learn and not be so consumed by curiosity that they lose themselves in the world the moment they leave the confines of home? Protecting and sheltering them only works until they aren't living in the bedroom they've shared with a sibling for 18 years, or eating at the table with mom and dad. Coddling them just enables them to obsessively follow danger when released--without the knowledge of how to come home, say no, and remember who they are or to fight for who they want to become. I want to know if there's a way, once you're in the world, to skip the pendulum ride from right to left and back to center. Because so far, I haven't seen one. And that has been a struggle for me to watch so many friends flounder in who they are, because we never got to know ourselves outside the protection of our parents and the confines of the church and who they told us to be. How do we create a community where it's safe to learn, to explore and yet keep those essential beliefs and practices intact?
does that series of questions even make sense?
I've enjoyed thinking about this. Here are some of my thoughts:
ReplyDeleteYou said, "I want to know if there's a way, once you're in the world, to skip the pendulum ride from right to left and back to center. Because so far, I haven't seen one." As you note later, the issue isn't "once you're in the world," but what happened before you enter it--a pendulum only swings left if it is first out to the right (which would suggest that the solution is to be or to seem moderate). Ideally, the home community would allow its youth the freedom to question, to think, to compare and ultimately to decide. If the youth feel like their parents and leaders are honest with them and if they feel like they can be honest with their parents and leaders, they will be able to openly discuss and resolve concerns, and prepare for a healthy independent life.
yes... but that doesn't answer the question of how one creates that type of community and environment within their family. Especially in a religious community where it can be difficult to ask serious or somewhat threatening questions. The question isn't so much when it starts, or even how. The question is about how to prevent that--clearly that starts in the home. But what does that look like? And if one does swing or have friends who slide in an opposing direction, how does one either recall them or let them be? Practically, how does that play out?
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